Fairytales Do Come True!

Ok, so M's back!  Yet this is still so unbelievable to me.  For the last few months thoughts of him have been so strong in my mind.  I've actually missed him.  Longed for him even.  I've been thinking about all the good times we have spent together.  How well, we get along and we just kinda vibe.  We rock well, we mesh.  Even when things were not so good we still rocked.

Then, this past Tuesday he happens to come across my profile on a dating site and sends me a message.  This all seems too damn good to be true.  I can't believe I have him back in my life.  I just cannot wrap my head around it.  And this time he is all mine.  No complicated relationship issues, no "situations", no gray areas.  It's just me and him.  He says he loves me and wants to make me the "center of his life".  He has been telling one of his daughters about me and how happy I make him.  He actually wants me to meet her.  She is suppose to move in with him this summer. 

I just can't believe it.  As I sit here typing this all out it seems like I am writing out my fairytale version of the way I would like things to workout between us.  Not real life activities.  This is really happening.  This is really fucking happening and I don't know what to do.  I really don't.  I love it, don't get me wrong.  And I am excited to see where this takes us, together.  I am curious to see if we could make a real grown up relationship work.  To be quite honest, our past relationship was void of regular everyday issues like finances, child raising, and each other's annoying habits.  However, we did have major issues to overcome and we always seemed to find our way back to each other. 

What I do not is that I am not going to let the fact that I am scared stop me from traveling this road.  I owe it to myself to see where it goes and what it has in store for me.  If I don't I am sure that I will regret it and wonder about what could have happened for the rest of my life.  I mean, this is M, he is the one and always has been.  Every man I have ever been involved with after him was compared to him.  And they never measured up.  Ok, Rell is funnier and makes me laugh.  I will give him that. . . but that's it.  But on every other level M has been that dude.  He is smart and I don't have to dumb myself down around him.  His body has right and he believes in taking care of himself.  We have similar tastes in music.  We speak in our own special language of sarcasm which I can only seem to do effectively with him.  The sex. . . . never had a problem there.  Never, I mean never.  Shit, I can't wait to get it again.  And this time he has a vasectomy so I am going to have a fuckin' ball when we get back to that part of our relationship.   Oooo weeee, I can't wait.  It's gonna be awesome.  Lawd knows we use to get it in.  We have kissed and I tell you it's real good every time.  Luckily it is in his work truck and there is usually a bunch of stuff between us or I might be in some real trouble. 

This is the third day in a row that we have seen each other after not having seen each other for 6 years and I am starting to warm up to the idea of him.  I have basically let anyone else who was pursuing me go.  They don't stand a chance and I really need to put my focus here.  My main concern right now is my boys and how they will react to this new development.  Really, there is nothing they have to be concerned with.  It's not like we are going to be moving in with each other anytime soon.  Also, M has ensured me that we can take it as slow as I like.  This gives me added comfort. 

I have to say that I am excited, I really am.  I will be in a real relationship with a man that really digs me, he adores me, he loves me.  This is great.  I really think that it is headed towards marriage, real talk.  He already told me that he is playing for keeps and wants me to be with him forever.  He even joked about me starting to look for my ring now so that by the time we get there he will be able to afford it.  Yup, he's the one, he is back in my life.  My fairytale is on its way to coming true.  God is so good, so good to me!

Preparing For Today's Workout

Ok, it is bathing suit season and for the last 90 days I have been doing Insanity.  I must say that I look great!! Real talk.  I plan on starting the whole process over again in the next week or so.  I am still working out but now I am focusing mainly on my glutes, quads and core or ab section.  I am also using weights.  I had a short ab and glute workout this morning which consited of some floor exercises for my abs and weighted squats and lunges for my glutes.  I plan on having another workout after I get home from work later this evening.  But, I have noticed that I do not eat sufficiently enough during the workday to fuel a really good workout.  I do not want to wait to get home and then eat right before a workout because then my stomach will cramp up and I will wind up quitting. 

So I had to make sure that I ate a protein rich lunch today.  Which is hard for me to do because I am a vegetarian.  Well, its not really hard, there are plenty of ways to get protein without eating meat.  Beans, whole grains, nuts, things like that. So, I went to Publix and got an egg salad sub for lunch and a protein bar.  That damn sub was delicious. . . or maybe I was just really hungry.  Either way I will be more prepared for my workout later tonight.  While I was at Publix, I came across a protein bar, wafer kinda thing.  It's called Power Crunch.  I had the french vanilla creme flavor.  It was coated in a vanilla creme. . . I guess. There is 14 grams of protein in one bar which is great!  So I decided to give it a try and it really does taste good.  I'm gonna have to buy a whole bunch more of these because it is a really easy way to consume some protein before and after a good workout.  Usually, a good protein bar has a funky after taste but not this one.  I was pleasantly surprised.  I also purchased the peanut butter flavor.  I love peanut butter so in my opinion it can't be bad.  Hopefully I am right since I already purchased it.

Oh do you want to hear something funny?  Just before lunch today, at around 11:30 or so, my friend J sent me a text saying "I'm hungry".  Yup that is all it said. 

Now here is a little background information. Twice in the past I have bought him lunch out of the  kindness of my heart not by his request.  I mean he does lay it down at my request so it is the least I can do from time to time. I also gave him one of my old Android cell phones because he was walking around with an outdated dinosaur.  At the time I had four of them that were not being used so it was really no sweat of my back.   But apparently, he must be starting to see me as a some kind of "sugar momma" or something because that text kinda seemed like he expected me to hop up from my desk, go get him something to eat and bring it to him. 

"Ha, ha dis nigga got me mutherfuckin' twisted", in my ghetto girl voice.  So I responded to his text by saying "Umm, ok.  Go get something to eat".

He responds by saying "I funny".  Now I don't know if this is a typo or if it just a manifestation of his lack of grammar skills but I responded by saying " yes, you are funny".

He says, " no, u".  I'm like, "ha ha, no u! As a matter of fact u should get us both something to eat cuz I'm hungry too :-)".  I did not hear from him again until after lunch.  I wonder if I hit a nerve or something.  I had to find out so I sent him another text saying "So. . . did you get something to eat"? 

All he responded with was "no".  Of course I was not done poking the bear so I sent one last text saying "Why not"?  It is now 3:30pm and I have not gotten a response as of yet.  Oh well, I hope I got my point across.  His job is to lay the pipe upon request. You may ask "what does he get in return"?  Well, he gets to lay the pipe with ME.  That is payment enough.  That's it, now if I decide that I want to give you a little extra something because maybe one night you stepped into your over achiever shoes then that is my prerogative.  But don't expect that ish on a regular basis or think you can request it.  Naw nigga, that is a violation.  He'll be alright.  I'm not concerned. 

I have a date this coming Saturday night.  A couple weekends ago I went to get two new tires and the guy that actually changed my tires asked me for my number.  I did not give it to him but I did take his.  Then I got in contact with him and now I have I date.  It was originally scheduled for last Friday night but I had to reschedule. He is supposed to be coming over to my place for dinner and a movie.  I would go out but my momz will not watch the kids.  Actually she said she would watch the boys for me last Friday.  Then the very next day after she agreed to do so she called me at work and said she couldn't do it.  She always does this to me.  Here is the kicker.  Last Friday night at 9pm she calls me and says "I'm home, I thought maybe you and your friend could go out now".  I kid you not, that is what she said.  Then I had to explain to her that it would be strange of me to call him at 9pm and request to go out on a date.  My mother is not a stupid women, she knows this.  She was just trying to be nosey or difficult. . . whatever.

Then at the same time she will tell me that I need a husband and not a "sex buddy" (her words not mine).  She actually told me that via text.  I responded by saying "Sure, I'll pick one of those up on the way home from work", or something like that.  I know she means well, but she also no help.  How am I supposed to find a husband if I can't go out anywhere?  .  Guess I gotta wait until one of my boys gets old enough to babysit.  Until then, I'm gonna do what I do. 

Well, it will be quittin' time in about 1 1/2 hours and I feel like I have done nothing but blog all day.  That's not exactly true . . . I have also been answering phones, lol.  I do have to sort this mail and then maybe save some emails.  Think I will try to get some actual work done. 

Why I Love Text Messaging

Good Morning, good morning.  First off I want to tell you about the amazingly effective conversation that Rell and I had via text messaging yesterday.  We were really able to have a great conversation and really get to the bottom of some of our issues via text messaging.  I think the reason for this is because when you send a text to someone or someone else sends a text a text to you, you have to actually take the time to read and absorb what point or the message that person is trying to get accross to you.  Then you can respond via text messaging, taking the time to think about what you want to write and how you want to write it.  Having a conversation via text messaging forces people to really listen to each other and then think about how to reply to the that person in the most effective way.  When you send a text to someone you have to baisically slow down the conversation.  When you send a text this will almost eliminate the chance for misunderstanding which is what usually leads to arguments and a lot of shouting back and forth.  When it's all said and done you either cannot remember what your original issue was or you're just so exhausted from arguing that you end the communication without ever actually solving the issue at hand.  It's a shame but Rell and I are no stranger to ineffective communication.  Yet yesterday we were able to actually discect some previous issues all via text messaging.  So you might call me crazy but the next time you and your loved one have a disagreement I recommend that you give yourself some time to calm down and then just send a text.  Should do the trick!

Now on to the actual details of the conversation (so to speak). I almost have to pull up the texts on my phone as I attempt to jog my memory because we actually touched on a lot of things.  However, I do recall that I did make a bit of a mistake.  I made the mistake of telling Rell about the night that his cousin Bo came over to my place to "chill" with me.  Granted, Rell and I were not together at the time so in a sense there was no harm no foul. Kinda sorta. . . I think. . . maybe?  Well, nothing happened.  We didn't have sex or even kiss each other so really, nothing happened.  Before that night Bo and I had actually been spending more time with each other then Rell I were (during our relationship).  Rell stayed gone!  Plus at the time Bo lived with us.  This was the genius idea of Rell's to move his cousin in when he had to know that Bo had a thing for me.  I knew it, although I tried to pretend as if I was clueless.  But whatever, really Rell had nothing to worry about.  I wasn't gonna do anything to jepardize our relationship, especially not with his cousin.  And for the most part, his cousin was to be trusted as well.  However, at the time I was not working and neither was Bo.  So, this left is in the house all day, alone.  There were one or two occasions when Bo would actually make me breakfast and bring it up to my room.  There is nothing I find sexier than a man that cooks, and cooks for ME!!  Real talk, on those days I would lock myself in my bedroom until Bo left the house.  Ok, I guess I kinda had a little bit of a thing for him too.  There were other times when we would smoke one together and have very entertaining conversations.  It even got to the point where I kinda fell in love with his smile.  He has these awesome dipples.  Everytime he smiled I could not help but smile.  I wonder if anybody noticed.  But I digress. 

After I moved into my place and effectively put things on hold with Rell, for the first time in a long time I found myself living alone and I was bored and lonely.  One night, I started to think about the decent text conversations Bo and I have had in the past. Remenisce about the rare times that we would actually chill with each other.  So I figured I would invite him over to my place at 11pm at night.  I know I know, hindsight is 20 motherfuckin' 20 but at the time I was like whatever we just gon chill.  Yeah right!  He got over to my place in record time coming all the way from Kissimmee/St. Cloud.  I was impressed at his eagerness.  We watched movies, then I got sleepy.

 Wow, it just occured to me that I am about to relive this event which is something I have not even thought about too much since it happened.  I'm not sure that I want to do this.  Hmm, let me think about it.  Oh well, here it goes.  I got sleepy and decided I was going to go to bed.  Before I go any further I want to mention that I did not smoke with him that night.  I was still on "papers" and being randomly drug tested so it was not an option.  Just wanna give you some insight on the status of my mental clarity.  It was very late at this point, after 12am so I was not going to make him leave.  I invited him back to my bedroom and offered him the love seat to sleep on.  Yeah, I could have offered him the sofa in the living room.  More room for him to stretch out and its not in my bedroom.  So in hindsight I guess I kinda asked for what happened next. Instead of accepting the love seat, he climbed into the bed with me.  I was like ok, whatever.  But then he requested that I take my sweat pants off. . .something about . . . really I can't remember what his reasoning behind this request was but I do remember honoring it.  Yes, I took my sweats off and was basically laying there in a lime green nike sports bra and a pair of lace boy shorts.  In my mind I figured we might cuddle.  Ha, ha, I have to laugh at myself now because it seems so ridiculous.  Cuddle T, really, you were just gonna cuddle?  Granted,  I have had many guy friends who I have slept in the bed with and just kinda cuddled.  So, my thought process was not that far fetched.  Also, I was thinking that this is Rells cousin, there is no way that he would really come at me full force.  I also kinda was looking forward to some male contact,  I was lonely remember?  Anyway,  as lay there basically in my underwear, with my back turned to him in the fetal position I hear him say under his voice "hey".  I turned over to look at him and this nigga had pulled is dick out of his pants and was holding it in his hand.  At this point I started literally laughing out loud.  Not at the look of his dick but just because he was so damn bold to pull a stunt like that.  I don't know what his dick looked like because it was dark and I was not really into examining it.  So I ain't gonna throw shade on him like that.  Also, I was lauging at the fact that he must have thought that I was just supposed to just jump on his dick at the sight of it.  Either way, my lauging must have embarrased him.  I think I can recall him saying something like "so you invited me of here just to laugh at me?"  My response was, "yeah I think so".  I was tryna be funny.  He promptly put his dick in his pants and rolled over and went to sleep.  After I managed to stop giggling, I fell asleep too. He left the next morning before the boys woke up.

I ain't gonna lie,  I was really loney and starved for attention so if he had come at me in another way over a certain amount of time, he mighta got the cookies.  I mean I was already feelin' him so it's not that far fetched.  But it wasn't gonna happen that night and from his actions he kinda put the nail in the coffin because I was completely turned off!!  However, I am glad that he approached me that way because it kinda caused me to "snap out of it".  I mean this is Rell's cousin and even though we ain't together it would be a really horrible thing for me to do.  Also, if Bo and I were to go down that path it would really have to be worth it.  We would have to freakin' soul mates and meant to be together or somethin', on some walkin' down the isle type ish.  Not just some "one time get it out of our system" type action.  Naw, it would't be worth it to ruin a relationship and friendship with Rell. I do love that boy whether we are together or not. 

But,  I did not give Rell all these details in our text messaging conversation.  All I told him is that he came over one night and things kinda went left and I have not heard from him since.  But nothing happened.  Of course he wanted to know the details but I refused to give them up for the sake of our relationship and his relationship with his cousin.  Family is really important to him and I would hate to be the reason that they wind up on bad terms.  So he took my advice and left it alone. . . thank goodness! 

This was only one topic in our conversation though, we also touch on our individual wants and needs and what was wrong with our previous relationship.  At some point he invited me to come see him.  Of course I was like "Oh no nigga, you ain't gonna pull that ish on me again".  The last time he invited me to see him I got all excited about the possiblity of a reconiliation between us.  I even made the mistake of telling the boys about it and that nigga shut me down.  I was devastated, truly!  So again, even though I enjoyed the chance for us to air out our dirty laundry and stuff I aint gonna get my hopes up.  Plus, the thought of a relationship with anyone right now makes me nervous.  I'm not really looking for anything serious.  However, I have always thought that if the right one came along I might be willing to give it a try.  So does this mean that Rell aint the one?  This possibility is surprising to me because in my mind he has always been the one.  Shhh! Don't tell him I said that, no
bueno.  But, I am not gonna subscribe to this theory just yet.  We'll see what happens.

Back To The Grind. . . After Mother's Day

Single Mother Dating

Good morning, good morning.  I took a look at yesterdays post and I must say that I am pleased with it.  Yes, I know that personally it is not too flattering, that is not what I am happy with.  It was an entertaining, truthful read and that is what I am pleased with.  I think the speed at which I am able to get the thoughts out of my head while typing (instead of writing or journaling) allows me to capture my voice a lot more effectively.  I really dig it.  However, I must admit that the actual act of physically writing is a theraputic one, so I will not be giving it up completely. 

At this moment it is 9am and I am sitting at my desk attempting to get my thoughts out.  Hopefully this will allow me to be more effective throughout the rest of the workday since my mind does tend to wander. . . but we'll see.  The main thing that is at the forefront of my mind at the moment is the telephone conversation that I had with Rell yesterday.  Yes, that's right, he eventually did call me yesterday to wish me a happy Mother's Day.  The conversation we had lasted for about an hour (give or take a few minutes. . . most likely take) and it was just really enjoyable.  We laughed, which is something that I love to do!  We basically bull shitted with each other and talked about the crazy people we work for.  He is always able to make me laugh, even when he is pissing me off.  We talked about the boys and their crazy antics. . . we just talked.  It was really nice.  Later that evening he sent me a text telling me that "chatting with you was nice".  I responded by saying that it was nice and we should do it more often.  He agreed.  This is a pleasant developement.  I really do enjoy talking with Rell and the possiblity of us doing so more often is something I really do welcome and look forward to.  However, I am not going to let myself get to overly excited about the possibility of us getting back together because the last time I did that I had my hopes and dreams dashed . . . by him.  I know better now.

Plus, since I have been alone all this time I have had time to really think about my mistakes in past relationships and consider the things that I want out of a relationship and what I just will not put up with.  I am not sure if Rell, is what I want.  I do love him, and it would be much easier on the boys for me to pursue a relationship with someone that they already know and love.  But my lifestyle has changed.  And the man that I end up with will have to fit into my lifestyle.  For example, I no longer smoke. . . anything!  No weed, no cigarettes, no black and milds, none of it.  Rell still smokes like a chimny.  Also, I am really into health and exercise and Rell has let him self go a bit.  Sex is really really important to me.  It is also important for me to be uncontrollably attracted to the man that I am with. Don't get me wrong, he ain't gotta look like freakin' Adonis or nothin' but he has gotta keep things together.  I work hard to keep myself together after 3 kids and I would like to be with someone who will attempt to stay fine as well.  Call me superficial if you like, it's just real talk.  Now, I do still think Rell is sexy but . . . he gotta sharpen those round edges just a bit.  And that's just the tip of the iceberg with us.  We have other issues that need to be addressed.  The major one is the ability to keep other people out of our relationship.  This is easy for me but Rell has a very strong family relationship (which I actually do admire and sometimes envy) but at the same damn time everybody and they momma feels like they have the right to add they 2 cents to our relationship.  I don't need him taking relationship advice from his homeboy that he went to elementary school with in Italy or some shit like that.  Naw nigga, that ain't gonna fly. 

But I digress, the conversation was nice, lets move on!  I stopped by to see J real quick this morning on my way to work. His job is literally on my way to work so it don't take nothin' to stop by real quick.  I love seeing him in the morning.  It's a great way to start my day.  Everything about him turns me da fuck on!  Lawd 'ave mercy!  His nappy hair, dark chocolate skin, gorgeous smile, juicy lips and then he opens his mouth to speak to me and that Jamaican accent closes the damn deal.  Y'all gon get tired of me talkin' about him but I am truly infatuated and inamured with him.  Can't help it.  We talked, I told him briefly about my issues at the church, which I do not believe I will be returning to, and well he basically believes that they (church folk) can be truly controling and over bearing and do not take kindly to opinionated strong minded people.  I kinda agree with that, I am stubborn and opinionated and that can rub people the wrong way, but I do not apologize for it.  I cannot just follow after someone if I do not agree with what is going on or thier actions or lack thereof.  However, I do not go against the grain just to do it, I just am not afraid to call bull shit or fuckery when I see it.  And just because you call yourself a Christian does not mean you are immune to fuckery.  It happens to the best of us. . . real talk!  But I digress, he told me I was sexy and I smell sweet (now just imagine hearing that in a smoothe Jamaican accent. . . uh huh, now you get what I'm sayin') then I got in my car pulled him towards me for a kiss goodbye and headed to work.  Just the pick up I needed before I
start the workday, second only to a good cup of coffee. 

Of course before I met up with J I dropped the boys at school and daycare.  Before doing so I had my usual "pep talk" with my oldest boy about making sure he pays attention in school and works hard.  It was really more of a "if you don't get your act together today I'm gonna woop yo ass" kinda talk.  Now don't get me wrong, for the entire school year I have tried every other method to get this kid to take school seriously.  We spend hours on homework everynight, I stay in touch with his teacher via email (because I cannot trust him to bring home any notes his teacher may have given him to give to me) and I am always available for a parent teach conference at the drop of a dime. I have put in place reward systems for getting his school work done and studying.  I have tried everything and it has not worked.  He just fucks off when he gets to school.  So with there only being four weeks left in the school year I have decided to go back to the tried and true methods that worked for my mother and my mother's mother.  A good ole' fashioned ass whoopin'.  All I know is that when I was a kid I would not even dare pull some of the stunts my boy tries to get away with.  I was terrified of my mother.  If my teacher even hinted at writing my mother a note or giving her a call that was all I needed to straigten up real quick!  So that's what we are doing not.  And it seems to be working.  I just hope it is in enough time to ensure that he will not be retained in his current grade this year.  If he does not pass his FCAT he will have to fall back on his actual grades.  The thing is, every year we go through this and then he passes his FCAT and all is well with the world again.  He is very very smart, which is what causes me so much frustration.  If he would just apply himself there would be no problems.  Now my younger school age boy just gets it.  He has no problems in school,  but he is already focused on girls at 6 years old.  So. . . I gotta keep my eye on him.  Ahh, the joys of mother hood. 

Well, I gotta start doing my actual job now.  That is what I get paid for.  I still have not even put my make-up on yet.  I have plenty to do today to keep me busy.  So the plan is to keep my head down, my earbuds in and zone out until 5:30 pm.  When I get home this evening I have to workout, clean, do homework (the kids and my own).  You know, the same ole' same ole'.  But those activities are hours away.  I will talk to you later and keep my mind peeled on any activities that may occur today that may be worth writing about. 

So. . .Today is Mother's Day

Single Mother Inspiration

Huh, where do  I start.  There is just so much on my mind right now.  Normally I would just write it all in a book but I am too concerned that I would catch a hand cramp.  It just seem easier and more efficient to get all my thoughts down in blog form.

Today is mothers day.  Here I am in the middle of the day sittin' on my couch chillin'.  Enjoying the company of my three boys (from three different farthers) and just trying to relax before getting back to the work week tomorrow morning.  My mother bought me some flowers yesterday, I have yet to get her anything.  But I did speak to her on the phone and wished her a happy mother's day.  I did not hear from any of my "baby daddies".  Of course one of them is in prison and the other one just bucked on me so I really do not expect to hear from either one of them.  However, I usually do get a text (at least a text) from Rell but have yet to hear from him.  The day is not over yet so I ain't trippin'.  To tell you the truth, even if I don't hear from him at all I won't trip because it's not like a "happy mother's day" wish is gonna help me pay any of these bills.

 But I did hear from J first thing this morning via text.  I also saw him last night (well early this morning) and he gave me the business of course!  Happy Mother's Day to me fo' real!!  He came over and put it down, made me feel real good.  I got to kiss those juicy lips and listen to that sexy ass Jamaican accent.  Yes lord, I am so infatuated with that boy.  Upon his departure we had a brief conversation about a recent conversation that he had with his wife.  She said she was going to finally file those divorce papers, and he told her to go ahead and do that. Woo Hoo!! That is good to hear but I am confused about what I really want right now.  Before I met J I had been single for over 2 years and sexless as well.  I had been turnin' nigga's down left and right every time they tried to get at me.  But for some reason, I ran into J (on a day when he and I would usually be working) and looked into his face and the sun just seemed to shine a tad bit brighter.  I don't know what it is about him but he just got it and can get it and does get it on the regular.

I was already contemplating getting into something because I was getting lonely.  The baby is older and not as dependent on me as usual and I needed to do something for me.  However, on the flip side of things the thought of a full on relationship caused me to experience sheer terror.  I truly don't want to be in a big girl relationship right now because it is too much damn work and drama.  I already got three boys I have to cook for, clean up after, stroke their egos and worry about their whereabouts 24/7 so please excuse me for not wanting to add another person to take care of to this mix.  However, I still wanted that male companionship with out the strings.  So the situation that J and I have right now is desirable.  He is married but separated and not really looking to calm his young 29 year old ass down.  Which is cool for me because I just want to keep my options open.

So, why am I so excited about those papers being closer to being filed.  Well, I'm feelin' this dude.  I just am.  I'm still not wanting to be locked down by any means but as long as he is married (separated or not)  the possibility of him maybe one day being mine is not even something that I can daydream on.  And sometimes a bitch likes to daydream.  So yes, this is a good development. 

Now on to the next dilemma in my life.  I am supposed to go to church today to have a meeting with my Pastor and the other praise team members.  The broads on the praise team just do not like me and they are constantly coming up with bullshit ass excuses to remove me from my position.  This shit pisses me off and causes me grief.  To the point where I want to shed a tear but I refuse to give them the satisfaction even though they will never see it.  I cannot for the life of me understand why they don't like me and it really does hurt my feelings to know that me just existing, living and breathing, bugs them so much that they would go out of their way to hurt me.  Yes, all of this activity takes place inside the church.  So, apparently Pastor feels like I would be a better asset working with the musicians.  I don't know what to do about it because I am so truly hurt by the actions of the people in that church that I cannot even bring myself back in there to even look at them.  I just can't.  Also, I feel like he excuses their actions and does not hold them accountable for the shit that they do.  I just don't know what to do about this situation.  I just have to pray about it and find out what God wants me to do.  I am scared that God will have me put myself into a situation that causes me complete pain.  The thought is not pleasant at all.

So that's what I am dealing with today.  Of course added to my everyday adventures of being a single mother.  And I wish that I could have some ALONE TIME with J right now.  I just want to lay my head in his lap and stoke him.  This activity relieves stress.  Real talk, you should try it.  Well, I am going to text my Pastor and let him know how I feel because as of this moment, I just cannot bring myself to walk back into that church.  I just want peace and happiness right now.  Tomorrow I have to go back to work and put on the fake friendly "I love white people" face for a whole week straight.  Don't get me wrong, I do not have a problem with white folk they just have their own way of doing things and interacting with each other and as a black women who is opinionated and can smell bull shit from a mile away, it takes a little bit of effort on my part to not appear "threatening" in anyway at all.  That is a muscel that really has to be trained and can also get exhausted.  So, I do not want to tire it out at church and not be able to do my cushy desk job as effectively as I need to next week.  I'm just saying . . .

Oh my goodness, the baby fell asleep.  Maybe I can get in a really good nap, Woo Hoo!!!