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| Single Mother Inspiration |
Today is mothers day. Here I am in the middle of the day sittin' on my couch chillin'. Enjoying the company of my three boys (from three different farthers) and just trying to relax before getting back to the work week tomorrow morning. My mother bought me some flowers yesterday, I have yet to get her anything. But I did speak to her on the phone and wished her a happy mother's day. I did not hear from any of my "baby daddies". Of course one of them is in prison and the other one just bucked on me so I really do not expect to hear from either one of them. However, I usually do get a text (at least a text) from Rell but have yet to hear from him. The day is not over yet so I ain't trippin'. To tell you the truth, even if I don't hear from him at all I won't trip because it's not like a "happy mother's day" wish is gonna help me pay any of these bills.
But I did hear from J first thing this morning via text. I also saw him last night (well early this morning) and he gave me the business of course! Happy Mother's Day to me fo' real!! He came over and put it down, made me feel real good. I got to kiss those juicy lips and listen to that sexy ass Jamaican accent. Yes lord, I am so infatuated with that boy. Upon his departure we had a brief conversation about a recent conversation that he had with his wife. She said she was going to finally file those divorce papers, and he told her to go ahead and do that. Woo Hoo!! That is good to hear but I am confused about what I really want right now. Before I met J I had been single for over 2 years and sexless as well. I had been turnin' nigga's down left and right every time they tried to get at me. But for some reason, I ran into J (on a day when he and I would usually be working) and looked into his face and the sun just seemed to shine a tad bit brighter. I don't know what it is about him but he just got it and can get it and does get it on the regular.
I was already contemplating getting into something because I was getting lonely. The baby is older and not as dependent on me as usual and I needed to do something for me. However, on the flip side of things the thought of a full on relationship caused me to experience sheer terror. I truly don't want to be in a big girl relationship right now because it is too much damn work and drama. I already got three boys I have to cook for, clean up after, stroke their egos and worry about their whereabouts 24/7 so please excuse me for not wanting to add another person to take care of to this mix. However, I still wanted that male companionship with out the strings. So the situation that J and I have right now is desirable. He is married but separated and not really looking to calm his young 29 year old ass down. Which is cool for me because I just want to keep my options open.
So, why am I so excited about those papers being closer to being filed. Well, I'm feelin' this dude. I just am. I'm still not wanting to be locked down by any means but as long as he is married (separated or not) the possibility of him maybe one day being mine is not even something that I can daydream on. And sometimes a bitch likes to daydream. So yes, this is a good development.
Now on to the next dilemma in my life. I am supposed to go to church today to have a meeting with my Pastor and the other praise team members. The broads on the praise team just do not like me and they are constantly coming up with bullshit ass excuses to remove me from my position. This shit pisses me off and causes me grief. To the point where I want to shed a tear but I refuse to give them the satisfaction even though they will never see it. I cannot for the life of me understand why they don't like me and it really does hurt my feelings to know that me just existing, living and breathing, bugs them so much that they would go out of their way to hurt me. Yes, all of this activity takes place inside the church. So, apparently Pastor feels like I would be a better asset working with the musicians. I don't know what to do about it because I am so truly hurt by the actions of the people in that church that I cannot even bring myself back in there to even look at them. I just can't. Also, I feel like he excuses their actions and does not hold them accountable for the shit that they do. I just don't know what to do about this situation. I just have to pray about it and find out what God wants me to do. I am scared that God will have me put myself into a situation that causes me complete pain. The thought is not pleasant at all.
So that's what I am dealing with today. Of course added to my everyday adventures of being a single mother. And I wish that I could have some ALONE TIME with J right now. I just want to lay my head in his lap and stoke him. This activity relieves stress. Real talk, you should try it. Well, I am going to text my Pastor and let him know how I feel because as of this moment, I just cannot bring myself to walk back into that church. I just want peace and happiness right now. Tomorrow I have to go back to work and put on the fake friendly "I love white people" face for a whole week straight. Don't get me wrong, I do not have a problem with white folk they just have their own way of doing things and interacting with each other and as a black women who is opinionated and can smell bull shit from a mile away, it takes a little bit of effort on my part to not appear "threatening" in anyway at all. That is a muscel that really has to be trained and can also get exhausted. So, I do not want to tire it out at church and not be able to do my cushy desk job as effectively as I need to next week. I'm just saying . . .
Oh my goodness, the baby fell asleep. Maybe I can get in a really good nap, Woo Hoo!!!
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